Can you see the angst? Nope...didn't think so!

Continuum 36x36 2008

My art mentor/coach always teases that even my "angry" or "angst filled" paintings end up looking "lovely". I am always drawn to the abstract expressionists that fill their work with lots of tension and emotion....but for me -( and I guess I do this in real life )- I feel the need to edit it out and "make-nice". My coach and I have had many lengthy discussions about this tendency with my work. Discussing this with him is much more fun (and way cheaper) than therapy- but it disturbs me. And the truth of the matter is that I have in fact worked through some serious emotions with my painting in the last several years.

So ...present day: I have had a really anxiety filled summer -but I've also been painting and painting and painting - I have done a lot of work! And yet what I see when I look at all of this new work is the same thing I always see. Everything is soft, subtle, not at all angry looking or angst riddled. No...they are peaceful, non-tension filled lovely little paintings. Even though I really, truly use painting as my therapy. Trust me, the anxiety is IN THERE. I guess no one can see it but me.... and if they really looked "pissed-off" or "tragic" or "angst-filled" would I even like them? So I often wonder ...How authentic is this work? Deep...right?

(Can't you see it? LOL )

Tiny Gems

a bit of luck 9x12 mixed media collage 2009

I spend a good bit of time experimenting on small pieces. I often keep them, or give them as gifts. This particular painting was made with the idea of giving it as a graduation gift. (The young man asked for a painting - I know - an unusual request.) I didn't spend much time on it, it just came together very quickly. Most of the time the best work I do is very spontaneous - with no high expectations. The problem is, when I then try to use these little gems as studies for larger paintings-the spontaneity gets completely lost in translation. I end up "dinking" it to death, trying to get at the same freshness that I achieved on the small piece. This is a constant, CONSTANT, struggle for me. In trying to get back to a wonderfully messy, impulsive, and lively composition...I just end up with a mess. I guess if it was always this easy - painting wouldn't be so rewarding. Back to the drawing board.