Procrastination: The number one resolution....why do we do it?

In an aqua light    24x36   mixed media & collage on panel 

Show deadline: Today.  And I'm still labeling, wiring, documenting ...and goofing around online.  WHY do I do this to myself?  The funny thing is, I know I'm not alone.  I asked a lot of people about their resolutions for the New Year and the most popular: To not procrastinate.  It was (is) on my list as well.  Yet here it is, January 3rd, and I'm still sweating out a deadline.  I was already behind because I was a major procrastinator last year.  So the way I figure it:  if it is a looming deadline that crosses the December/January timeline it doesn't count as this year's problem.  Right?  ... Right?  

Procrastinating is my version of a roller coaster ride.  The rush of adrenaline when pushing things to the last minute - it's absolutely exhilarating.  My palms sweat.  My heart is pumping.  I'm sleepless with the nervousness of the sheer number of items on the to-do list.  And it feels terrible!  And it feels wonderful -- wonderful when the deadline is actually met....the relief!

I have been successful (so far) in meeting deadlines where work was to be physically delivered.  I feel obligated to meet a deadline once the commitment is already made- no matter how I blast thru the door  as the last guns are fired. I've not, however,  been that successful with juried shows or gallery submission deadlines when just images are required- when I haven't fully commited to making the deadline.  I missed so many potential opportunities last year - because I just couldn't get my stuff together on time- so I just skipped it.  Why do I do this sort of procrastination: the kind where the deadline is missed - permanently- and no one is the wiser (except me.)  Is it self sabotage? Is it fear of rejection? Is it laziness? Is it all of the above?  This sort of procrastination feels the worst.  I do it with other things in my life as well.  This is the sort of procrastination that I MUST STOP.  I really must.  

I've purchased the new calendar to keep me on track.  I've penciled in some deadlines.  Now: for the hard part.  Doing it.

Can you see the angst? Nope...didn't think so!

Continuum 36x36 2008

My art mentor/coach always teases that even my "angry" or "angst filled" paintings end up looking "lovely". I am always drawn to the abstract expressionists that fill their work with lots of tension and emotion....but for me -( and I guess I do this in real life )- I feel the need to edit it out and "make-nice". My coach and I have had many lengthy discussions about this tendency with my work. Discussing this with him is much more fun (and way cheaper) than therapy- but it disturbs me. And the truth of the matter is that I have in fact worked through some serious emotions with my painting in the last several years.

So ...present day: I have had a really anxiety filled summer -but I've also been painting and painting and painting - I have done a lot of work! And yet what I see when I look at all of this new work is the same thing I always see. Everything is soft, subtle, not at all angry looking or angst riddled. No...they are peaceful, non-tension filled lovely little paintings. Even though I really, truly use painting as my therapy. Trust me, the anxiety is IN THERE. I guess no one can see it but me.... and if they really looked "pissed-off" or "tragic" or "angst-filled" would I even like them? So I often wonder ...How authentic is this work? Deep...right?

(Can't you see it? LOL )